Hale and Pace Classic TV Show
Hard-hitting and fast-moving modern humour served up by the irreverent and highly popular duo, Gareth Hale and Norman Pace.
Hale and Pace Fan Tributes99 Adrian P Wilkinson from East Malling, Kent: For David Turner from Jersey (#70): I believe it was "I feed t' pigeons in t' park"
98 steve from london: Northern Calypso:
Hey Mrs Postlethwaite, come and feed me whippet (daylight come and we're off down t'pub) should have been a single
97 Jane from Cheltenham Australia: Just can't get enough of them. The Ginger song -"bouncing balls of Boris Becker, grated carrot around his pecker". Pure comedy gold. My 12 year old son can't get enough of them either. Also Sid of the Sunday league is just brilliant. Very Very funny. You can't beat the English for comedy.
96 Jamie from Hampshire: Sorry, might upset the applecart here a bit.
I watched these 'comedians' (term used lightly) in Blackpool in 1999 (I think). It was without doubt, the worst forty odd pounds I have ever spent in my life. The North Pier theatre hold over 1500 people in it, yet more people have commented on this page than were in the theatre watching Hale and Pace. It was a complete embarassment to be there. They were as bad, if not worse than I remembered them on TV. My wife insisted on going to watch them instead of Chubby Brown (who was on the same evening, later on). When we came out after the 'show', the queue for Chubby Brown stretched down the whole length of the pier and along the promenade.
My wife apologised for making me watch them in the end!
Sorry, they're just not funny. Never were.
95 Liz Blade from Adelaide, Australia: I just saw them last night with my fiance at Her Majesty's theatre here in Adelaide. I was lucky enough to meet them after the show and I got a few photos and I even got autographs from them. I brought my DVD ( just in case I was lucky enough ) I actually asked the security guard if he could take it backstage for me to get signed and the lady usher said to stand at the side doors and we saw them. it was like a dream. I was very happy. The 22nd of September 2011 is something i will never forget.
94 sharon from luton: I watched the live filming of hale and pace in the london studio i was in the clip where they were doing an american theme episode would love to get it and show my children but ive tried to get it cant get it anywhere, so if anyone knows how i can get it i would so appriciate it ppl thanx
93 Grahame from Cardiff: There were so many,The micro-wave cat and the baby the week after stands out as tops.The Stoned Bikers.
The list is endless.
Hodge And Poge From Ireland is similar Humour
92 ALISON from SOUTH YORKSHIRE: i am trying to find the sketches of hale and pace doing the 'too comfy' sketch when they phone the fire brigade to come to the house. does anyone remember it ?
91 Bev from Newcastle, Australia: Hi Ivan from Canada ... thanks for posting ... it is just hilarious ... I guess you have seen it.
Cheers from Newcastle
90 Marcus Jones from Nottingham: I'm still running the fan club if anyone's interested. Membership currently stands at 5, and we meet up once a month in a Nottingham ale house and laugh like little girls at all the classic H&P gags.
89 Ivan from Canada: Bev from Newcastle, Giggsy from West Midlands, I think you want "Come to Spain!", in the same series as "Come to Australia", where he gets similarly pissed and ends up on the floor. Mint!
88 Bev Ryan from Newcastle Australia: They are definitely my favourite comedians ... can anyone advise where I could find the one where Gareth was trying out restaurants & gradually becomes so drunk he ends up in a back alley after being kicked out ... thanks :0
87 Judy McGee from Australia: Check out these funny videos of the comedy legends known as Hale and Pace: www.youtube.com/stevieTNA
86 Mars the Greek from Australia: Love this show, I have all the dvds and it's simply the best sketch show ever, with so many sketch shows stealing from it and no where near as good. I though it wouldn't be as good as what i remember from my childhood from ages ago but my bro told me he would love to watch it again, after buying the first season I was addicted, its just amazing, unique and so damn funny. check it out if you think that because it was produced a while ago that its all cheesy think again you won't be disappointed, guaranteed
85 Chris from Dorset: These two used to have my wife and I in pieces. The wierd thing is my eldest son loves them.
84 Al from Coventry UK: Ive just seen a couple of old shows on Men & Motors.
Id forgotten how good they are! Is so nice to see people on stage looking like they actually enjoy what theyre doing! - But where are the boys now????
83 Benjamin from London: Saw a few clips of these two on YouTube after being reminded of 'The Management adverts...
Confirmed what I had always suspected that these two middle class twits are two of the most unfunny alleged comedians the world has ever seen. About as funny as a car crash.
82 Birgit from Hannover, Germany: Fantastic comedy duo! My all time favourite! I get now the Australian DVD box with all episodes. Cause German TV just show a few shows! But I'm still looking for stuff that's not on DVD - Interviews, Job for the boys etc. - can anybody help?!
81 David Pattenden from Albourne nr Brighton: My fav bit of Hale and Pace was the sketch, Ginger nuts,
And the funniest bit was "you need grit ,you need guts when your dunkin ginger nuts"
80 Jim from Birmingham: Funniest comedy ever. So relaxed compared to today's comedy. I loved "the cock-eyed boys" sketch.
79 chris from Australia: Saw them live in melbourne a few years ago funniest was they did Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody - anyone know if this is in DVD
78 terence from Blue Mountains Aus: Back in Liverpool after 30 years. Saw the tv scouser clip, 'up in the pool with me ma and da' It was absolutely side splitting, wish I could get a copy, never laughed so much in all my life.
77 giggsy from west midlands: I can't find the 'spain land of contrast...and lets not forget the spanish wine' sketch on you tube... by far their best sketch. Anybody help me, ive not seen it for years.
76 daz from staffs, uk: love it. sid the cop sketch, solicitor one, brilliiant.
75 Gary from ireland: they are the funniest ever, particularly the when crossing the road "stop,look, listen sketch, but i cant remember the one about the banana skins, "litter on britians streets" where he gets run over by a banana truck. they dont do stuff like this anymore
74 Steve from Melbourne, Australia: My favourite was the 'Aussie song' when they were on the now, sadly, defunct Hey Hey its Saturday. the quote at the end. "These two fat Poms must disappear, we've shagged all your women and drunk all your beer'. They're billiant
73 Dave from Berkshire: RON 1: Look, Ron, they're babbling...
RON 2: I don't like babbling, I don't like any hanging gardens.
Need I say more..
72 Richard C from Australia: LOVE IT!!!!! Nothing more said.
71 Leigh Mathers from Sutton Coldfield: I used to love Hale & Pace - I remember thinking as a teenager that they were so daring for the time!
My favourite sketch was probably the 'myroundaphobia' one and I used to love Billy & Johnny too ("We know a song about that don't we!").
70 David Turner from Jersey: I think the most I've ever laughed was when me and my mum saw the Northern Opera Company sketch, with "I keep t'pigeons in t'loft" to the tune of Nessun Dorma. Couldn't stop laughing for about 35 minutes!! I wish I knew where to find it again!
69 Caroline from Australia: Does anyone have the lyrics for the cat song? I can only remember the last line...and at night she licks her bum.
68 Simon from New Zealand: The funniest comedy show i've ever seen. I have purchased both two disc sets of season one and two plus three and four. Brings back memories of my teenage years:) My favourite would be the spanish hospitality one. But i'm trying to find which episode one skit is on, i had the video of it years ago (long gone now) and am trying to find it again. Gareth is having a fivesome dinner date with his mate(Norman)and his partner and his(Gareth)EX-girlfriend and her new partner. Gareth gets more drunk as the night goes on, he abuses them, I remember him saying "I love her" as he is dragged up the stairs. Anyway he ends up ejectulating on her coat. And it turns out he only went out with her on one date. Anyone now which series thats on? Or if there is a youtube or somesuch clip?
67 Jess from Bristol: The Nun Song, the only lyrics I can remember are:
"gay means happy, a pussy is a cat, an erection is a building and that is that"
"Dick is another name for Richard, a cock wakes you up in the morn..."
and also something else about a shag being a seabird, genius! if anyone has a videoclip or something please let me know :-)
66 Steven Huntington from Peterlee: My favourite sketch is The Dopplers in the fish and chip shop from series 10. Where the chip shop owner tries to take advantage of them copying everything what he says but when it comes to £232.20 and the both give him 20p, its so hilarious. Hale and Pace should never have left ITV as it was their best show ever...!
65 kirst from hull: Does anyone remember hollywood burglers from series 8/9 that had me and my mates in stitches i was 14 at the time and still have it on video as i taped the show classic & fantastic they need the rest of the series and specials on dvd, long live h&p:)
64 Barry Bride from Portsmouh: Can anyone give me the lyrics for Big Fat Northern Bastard or where to download the song?
63 Mark from Rome: As a a British TV Comedy addicted I'm pleased to know that their first 4 Series are out on DVD! One simple question:
Were are they now? Simply Brilliant, give us Some more!!
62 mike knight from kent: HELP.. i was in many shows, but the sketch I would love to see again is the "kid villain" skit. where we are all hard men on skateboards... anyone got it?
61 Gareth from Australia: Before i start...my name has nothing to do with this subject and is pure coincidence! :) There isnt enough time in a day to reflect on hale and paces best moments, reason being the dynamic duo never stopded delivering the best, ron & ron, billy & jonny, cabbies and many more backed up with brilliant songs, sketches, and satire to hold it together, but if you had to pick one... (probably slightly biased) when they graced the shores of the land down under i saw there show and even though previosly seeing the song they performed the "aussie song" as an encore it was quite spectacular, seeing your favourite comedy team having fun with the crowd with topics relating to you is unbelievable and will always be remembered.
60 Dave from Gosport: Does anyone else remember the "farting" song with the title of "better out than in"?
and if so, where can I find the lyrics.
59 steven from oldham: amazing shows. i am northern but was crying on the floor with the 'big fat northern bastard' song! if anybody knows where i can get hold of a copy it would be much appreciated. i have tried everywhere
58 Ted G from London: Have every episode of Hale and Pace (all ten series plus specials) and scripts. Any queries please email wheatsheafregular(AT)yahoo.co.uk
57 russell from wiltshire: postman pat sketch. love to see that again. where he gets drunk and stoned. brill
56 Simon from London: I noticed the following comment from Jon in Fl, USA. If anyone can let me know where I can get an mp3 or video copy of "The Big, Fat Northern Bastard" song, I would be grateful.
Jon from Florida: I'm a Brit exiled in the USA. The sketch/song I liked best was when the two of them dressed as Northerners, wearing flat caps and scarves, cigs in mouth, and pint glasses, singing "I'm a big, fat Northern bastard"..... that cracked me up, maybe 'cos I'm from Manchester. If anybody has an mp3 or the words blah, blah, blah..... thanks
55 Patricia Groocock from Bolton, Lancashire: I loved the sketch of the William Tell Overature. It was so funny, I would love to buy a copy of this sketch so I can have a good laugh again at Christmas, where can I buy it?
54 Dee Ta'ase from Christchurch New Zealand: My fav sketch is the 1920's black & white gangster one where he keeps farting saying "i ain't afraid a nuthin!" bbbbtthhhrrrtthh!!! & inflates in his clothes then finally blows up! aaaaah classic fart comedy
53 Yvonne from Cheshire: I love the Yorkshire Airways clip, and the Harikari spoof, here are the links: http://www.dailymotion.com/tag/Hale/video/x6cle_harakiri-spoof
Has anyone got a link to Ginger Nuts one, song made me laugh head off
52 Rudy Penzes from Alberta, Canada: I love these guys but wondering when they're coming to dvd. It would be very sucessful indeed cause they are true kings of comedy. Hats off to you two.
51 Hazel from Australia: Where can I buy a video of you guys. I have tried the ABC shops here but they have nothing. Please help.
50 Maria from England: I would like to know on what series was the sketch where they were presenting a line of runners from diferent countries, wearing thight lycra shorts and at the end they just send a person dressed as a willy running. That one made me laugh sooooo much.
49 jamie from lincolnshire: i was in hale and pace shows, cant remember what series and i am trying to get them does anyone know where i can get tham it was the ones on the building site
48 alex from milton keynes: Series 2 and 3 are definately the best. There's to many clips to choose from especially series 3 i have both series on video and they crack me up especially the well'ard song 'what you looking at what you looking at wanna wake up with a cwadle wound ya YOU DILDO'
47 Adrian Alajbeg from Perth: Hale and Pace have to be like the funniest people alive, honestly i grew up watching them on tv, and i even went to there concert in australia wen they came like 5 years ago. my favourite episode is wen hale is like explaining spain and he's gettin drunk as anything, hahahhha that was hilarious!... oh yeh and reality street is funny too.
46 Antti from Finland: This is my favorite british comedy show ever. There are dozens of so funny sketches. Some are the "savanni" thing with Hale watching his wife making love to a strange man from the wardrobe and the "I want to make love to a beautiful model Omm!".
45 Jeriah from Perth,Australia: The funniest sketch I remember is when the were on holidays by the sea and ate nuthin but Paella. And how they got the runs and were severely sunburnt.Pace pulls off a full face of skin. They were awesome. Up there with Kenny Everett.
44 rory from dundee: my favourite sketch was the drugs song that started to the tune of old macdonald
My mate zak he had a joint....
43 gary from manchester: can anyone tell me what series the hale & pace sketch is from
were gareth plays a swedish guy naked when his prudish english neighbours come round and proceeds to embarass them with his forward questions & actions & if it is on any of their compilation videos
42 Steve Haw from Smethwick (but living in Germany): Probably my favourite H&P sketch of all-time, if I had to pick one, is the one where Gareth played a guy who couldn't take anything seriously. There's a brilliant moment where he's having a picnic with his wife and she says that she wants to leave him because she's in love with his brother. Gareth can't stop laughing and asks: "Sandwich?!" The sketch ends with him being stabbed in an alley by a mugger and, even then, he still can't take it seriously! I love the bit where Gareth sarcastically says back to the mugger "Give us yer wallet!"... You really have to see that sketch to see the genius at work there.
41 Derek Missle from Pontefract: The funniest Hale & Pace sketch has to be the 'Fistful Of Dollars' type parody when the barman says to Gareth's Clint Eastwood type character 'You Don't Say Much, Stranger' and Gareth's character says 'Lips Ain't For Talking, Lips Is For Kissing' and all the tough cowboys turn round to look at him. Wierd and hilarious!
40 Steinar Hjulstad from Trondheim - Norway: A episode with a great song:
The Pope said you should'nt put rubber on your willy, rubber on your willy....and now I have seventeen kids!
39 George Handley from UK: My favourite Hale and Pace sketch is the Billy and Johnny one that was seen in October 1989 where Johnny is in hospital and you had to guess what kind of operation he had. Clues included a banana, a sausage and a policeman's helmet. Need I say more? Anyway, this was one of the funniest sketches I have seen on television in the history of British broadcasting! Shame that they aren't on any more as they are the Morecambe and Wise of post watershed comedy.
38 Kelber from Finland: Absolutely one of the best is: the beautiful taste of Frenchhhhh wine, hip. Liverpool 1 - NAPOLEON 2.
37 RON from Earth: Ron 'ere wants to know if any of you know the lyrics of any of hale and pace song, in particular, the well 'ard boys song?
Yeah it goes something like, what you lookin' at, what you lookin at, wanna wake up with a crowd around you...you dildo
36 matty Hale from Ipsworth: I changed my name to Hale because of their show. My favorite clip is the one with the dead horse!
35 Jonas from Belgium: Hi,I've been searching all over the web for the sketch with the turtle wars, know what I mean? Me and my brother we laughed the crap out of us with that, can anyone help me please ?
34 Peter Crutch from Surrey, UK: I have been desperate to gain a DVD/Video copy of the Christmas Special as described by Blaine from Australia.
The Spanish Hospitality clip was great, along with Tortoise Blowing and the man who just couldn't take anything seriously.
Anyone know how I can get this episode.
33 jacko from uk: re-jon from florida's request---sorry i don't have the words ,but i know there's a video with all those "songs" on-one i have on my own video still cracks my kids up(the pope song) but i saw the other vid in woolies one day and didn't buy it! (wot a plonker!) should be able to get it on amazon or similar
32 Lone from Norway: I remember when they appeard in a sick green coloured tight dress whit lilac/purple dots on and "antenna" on theyre heads and they was singing a song.Ill never forget it.Can you please send me the video?
and where can i find songs to download?
31 Jon from Florida: I'm a Brit exiled in the USA. The sketch/song I liked best was when the two of them dressed as Northerners, wearing flat caps and scarves, cigs in mouth, and pint glasses, singing "I'm a big, fat Northern bastard"..... that cracked me up, maybe 'cos I'm from Manchester. If anybody has an mp3 or the words blah, blah, blah..... thanks
30 Simone from Jersey: Does anyone have the words to the sketch when they were nuns? . . . The courus went Gay means happy, a pussy is a cat . . .
29 Blaine from Brisbane, Australia: The funniest Hale and Pace material I ever saw was a Christmas Special about 7 years ago. The skit in particular was when Hale was doing a cultural documentery on the "spanish hospitality" in various pubs and was progressivly getting more and more drunk . I just about pissed myself laughing.
28 James from Surrey, UK: With regard to the comments of Andrew from Oxfordshire the DFI sketch is bloddy funny (especially at the time as DFS were running a severe ad campain).
"Buy nothing now and we'll give you all our money"
"2 sofas ----- 4 sofas what was a thinking of - I only went out for a packet of fags"
"All on twenty-seven years interest free credit
"The first 5 customers that show me the sofa of their choice - I'll shag them on it"
27 Yuri from Poland: I just love this Billy and Jimmy songs. Ofcourse there is also very funny moments with animals. "We are not going to bake this cat"
26 Stilts from London: Does anyone have the lyrics for the 'Isn't it awfully horrid to be ginger' song? If so can the e-mail it to my hotmail eddress firstname.lastname@example.org
25 Michael from Canberra, Australia: Unfortunately I haven't seen nearly enough of Hale and Pace but my favourite is when Gareth is drinking in the pub with his fiance and norman walks in and starts abusing him about his impotence and it turns out he was his doctor, it was done to perfection.
24 andrew from oxfordshire: Loved the brilliant satirisation of Furniture TV advertising (I think they used dfi).
23 Hauke Reddmann from Gerrrrmany: When all jokes are forgotten,
the window wiper sketch
(NOSQUEAK! NOSQUEAK??) will
remain. (I just wonder if
H&P got death threats from
PETA for extreme mouse abuse.)
Someone should slap the ARTE
channel team with a rubber chicken so that they repeat
the whole series!
P.S. Is there a site (or
other resource) hosting the
collected song texts of H&P?
22 Andrew Prendergast from Liverpool: hale and pace is brillient best sketch show yet
21 vince mason from tyneside: the best show i ever saw hale and pace do was sydney australia, with out a doubt fantastic.....
20 Lee Kibble from Sidcup, Kent: The funniest thing about Hale and Pace were the fantastic songs, in particular "northern Calypso" and "R. Sole & Sons agency" !!
19 Patricia Wood from New Zealand: My favourite skit was the one where Gareth is talking about someone who was constipated, and when they finally "moved" they thought they were giving birth to a walking stick, and it was half way down the stairs before it broke off. Laughed and laughed. I think they are absolutely brilliant. There's one...There's another one.
Loved the taxi driver " Stoive "
18 Peter Madeley from Wolverhampton: I am trying to contact Steven Bowater another true fan of H & P. We were discussing some of the gags that Babs had found funny too the Oasis song was pure quality it brought memories flooding back for both of us. Deleted your E mail by mistake Steven Get in touch mate!
17 Becky from London: It's got to be "You're Never Gonna Get This Song Out Of Your Head" I haven't seen for years and years but I still remember it as clear as a bell.
16 Martin Durkin from Long Eaton: Hale and Pace were masters of the straight-man/funny-man routine. In my opinion they were far superior to the so-called greats Morcambe and Wise. Anyone wishing to purchase H&P memorabilia can contact me on Martin.Durkin@uk.experian.com
15 Marcus Jones from Nottingham: I agree with the comments of P Madeley of Wolverhapmton, terrestrial TV is much worse off without Hale and Pace. I am thinking of starting up a H and P fanclub. If you are interseted, can help or would just like to chat to a likeminded H and P fan, contact me at email@example.com
14 Matt Christopher from Forbes N.S.W Australia: My all time favourite Hale and Pace moment came when they sung pump and grind it was the funniest thing I have ever seen them do which says a lot because most of their work is classic, but I do need your help during the song Hale sing " Dinner really made me to***" I can not understand what he says after this.
13 Peter Madeley from Wolverhampton: Hale and Pace injected a dose of quality into a jaded British comedy scene. My favourite sketch involves a group of drunken, football playing louts who turn out to be coppers. Hilarious.
12 Andrew Prendergast from Liverpool: My favorite moment from hale and pace is curly and nige they are so funny.
11 Paul keddie from Sheffield: i found hale and pace hilarious, particularly the slap stickery that occured when norm made sexual innuendos and gareth got horny
10 Bret from Cardiff: I adored an episode with special guest star Cleo Roccos, formerly of The Kenny Everett Show. I'd love to know which series it was from.
9 Marc Edwards from Nottingham: I am trying to trace a copy of the episode where Hale and Pace first launched the Northern Opera Company (note. not the Northern Calypso) It included a southern song to the tune of William Tell Overture - can anybody help me out?
8 Sarah from Sunderland: There's only one fave moment and it's the episode that won the 1989 Golden Rose - The microwaved Cat - 'nuff said really.
7 gollum shonki from scraptoft: I totally love Hale and Pace, I own every episode of every series. Some days when I am a bit down, i sit in my basement with a bottle of babycham, and I watch Hale and Pace all day - I just wish one of them was single!
6 Yannick from Beugem, Belgium: I just adore Hale and Pace, every little sketch is a piece of art,e venthough English isn't my mothertongue... The only thing I pity is the fact that i wasnt born in england a little earlier so that I could have watched all episodes. Unbelievably brilliant! Minty!
5 Fionnah from Market Harborough: I'm stuck at home most of the time so I love watching Hale and Pace, they're hilarious. It's totally bone that they're not on primetime anymore.
4 Lianna Skursa from Glen Parva: What has happened to Hale and Pace - they were utterly fandabbydozy!!! I loved them!!!
3 Angeline from Sydney, Australia: Hello, everyone of the hale and pace episodes is ace. I saw them for the first time in person when they toured Australia last year. They are the most funniset comedians in the whole universe.
2 Daragh Kennedy from Thurles, Co.Tipperary, Ireland: So many brill hale & pace shows but my fave is the several sketches in one episode where the Butcher bribes his way out of unbelievable situations by given the cop & eventually judge a few chops...... hilarious.. Luv hale & pace Best comedy duo ever.... would really like to see a new series
1 Steven Hill from London: My favourive clip is when Gareth Hale is in France and he gets drunk at this french man's wine place (Norman Pace) and he ends up knocking loads of wine on the floor and he says "I think I've broke my leg!"
Hale and Pace
Hale and Pace won the 1989 Golden Rose at the Montreux Light Entertainment Festival.
If you know of a web site for Hale and Pace, or run a fan site, tell us about it here.
Click here for more Hale and Pace Memorabilia at Amazon.
NEWSLETTER Sign up to receive our monthly newsletter filled with the latest classic television news. Sign up here.